


everybody saw the sunshine

by starrkeys



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Emotional Baggage, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Kissing Lessons, Light Angst, M/M, Making Out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-16 21:18:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14819058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrkeys/pseuds/starrkeys
Summary: mark has never been on a date or even had his first kiss. (he doesn't even know how to kiss.)all of his friends have already been there, done that and it's hard not to think that maybe there's something wrong with him.when donghyuck finds out that that's what's been bothering him, he thinks mark's kind of stupid but still helps out the best he can.





	everybody saw the sunshine

**Author's Note:**

> title from the beatles song "i've got a feeling"

mark is in the cafeteria when he first realizes that he has a problem and that that problem is bothering him more than is probably healthy. jeno, jaemin and renjun are being disgustingly sweet and in love, as always. it’s never bothered him before but for some reason this time he feels a pang of heartache and jealousy at the sight of his friends being so happy.

(jeno had just said something generically critical about the food, which had made jaemin get an overwhelmingly fond look on his face before he kissed him on the cheek. renjun had pouted exaggeratedly and jaemin had given him an equally exaggerated smacking kiss on the mouth in response.)

it is an elbow in the ribs from donghyuck that pulls mark out of his thoughts. “you’re staring,” he whispers, warm breath tickling mark’s ear.

mark frowns at him but chooses not to respond, shrugging and shifting away from the close contact. he can feel donghyuck’s eyes on him but chooses not to dignify that with a response. it would just make his friend even more insufferable and then jeno, jaemin and renjun would act even more insufferably in love as a result. no thank you.

it was just so easy for his friends. first they had been friends and then something more and their relationship just shifted naturally and easily into what it is now. they are happy and in love and the three of them know it and everyone around them knows it as a result. no angst for them, just all the happy bits of a love story. they hadn’t needed to seek each other out and agonize over their actions and words. mark remembers when they first got together and they’d been so certain about it. one day friends, the next boyfriends, as they’d announced to the rest of them. (donghyuck had just shrugged and said “finally!”)

mark, on the other hand…. there’s no great love story for mark. he’s had a couple crushes, of course but nothing serious and nothing ever came of any of them. nobody had asked him on a date in high school and he hadn’t bothered to ask anyone else, as the people he’d happened to like were either too out of his league, or already dating someone, or not even into guys. he doesn’t have somebody to get together with and have someone else say “finally!” because it had been a long time coming.

it just wasn’t something that happened to mark. how did other people do it? he couldn’t imagine ever liking someone who liked him back, let alone having the situation work out so that a relationship could blossom.

mark is just mark and nobody really appeared to like him for it. friends, sure. but nobody has ever really seemed the least bit interested. no stupid middle school relationships that lasted a week, no hookups at high school parties, certainly nothing at uni. people just don’t look at him like that. he’s a friend! just a friend. it isn’t his fault that he works hard at school and extracurriculars and takes things pretty seriously (shouldn’t these things be good things?) he’s a good guy. just not a guy someone would have anything but platonic feelings for.

it’s when he’s being regaled about yukhei’s latest hookup that he starts to think there might actually be something wrong with him. yukhei’s constantly flirting and being flirted with but mark can’t really recall any times such a thing has happened to him. it is the way that yukhei talks about all of it as if it’s just normal to see someone you like at a party, flirt a little, make out, perhaps more.

and it is normal, isn’t it? it’s normal, even though the idea of such a thing happening to mark literally makes him want to laugh in disbelief.

mark has never even been kissed (not even a little peck at age twelve behind the school or a drunken kiss during truth or dare or anything). yet here’s yukhei, barely older than mark and arguably way more of a dork, talking about “the best blowjob ever” as they wait for their psychology lecture to start.

and so mark stews. obviously, with classes and his friends keeping him busy, he isn’t always thinking about his lack of experience and possible flaws that could make him fundamentally unlikeable. but he has enough time to really get into the angsting and self-loathing sometimes. he’s never thought much about it before, figuring he’d meet someone eventually and it would all work out.

but now that he is thinking about it, he can’t seem to stop and all he can think about is how maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t all work out and he wouldn’t meet anyone and that there is just something wrong with him and it would never happen for him. it’s hard to not feel like it is just plain too late. other people experimented and had cringey encounters in middle school or high school. people learned how to kiss when they were thirteen and had braces. people learned how to be in relationships from their month long pseudo relationship when they were fourteen that just involved hanging out at lunch and messaging each other every day. he hadn’t had any of that. he can’t try to be in a relationship now when everyone else is apparently having sex and he’s still terribly nervous at the idea of kissing someone (what if you knocked your noses together? where did you put your hands? oh god, what about his tongue?).

it’s too late to learn, the training wheels are off but mark still hasn’t even learned how to pedal. he is destined to be alone forever and sad. that’s all there is to it. mark is just the worst and of course nobody likes him. he is sad and lonely and destined to watch all his friends with their committed relationships or their one night stands or their—

“what’s got you all moody and ugly looking lately?” donghyuck says from his side of the couch, not bothering to swallow his mouthful of chips before speaking, causing him to spray crumbs all down his own shirt (thankfully mark is all the way on the other side of the couch and only had to look at the mess and not experience it for himself). donghyuck doesn’t seem to notice or care, and instead just continues to stare at mark before shoving another handful of chips in his mouth.

“what are you talking about?”

“your face. you’ve been looking all angsty and stupid with your face all” –donghyuck does an impression of mark, frowning exaggeratedly and bringing his eyebrows together, scrunching up his face like a baby one minute from bawling– “and you’re all zoned out all the time and stuff. is it school?”

“i don’t know what you’re talking about, dude.” mark frowns before he realizes what he’s doing, then tries to school his expression into something more neutral and not at all like the face donghyuck had demonstrated for him. “i’m fine.”

donghyuck rolls his eyes, squirming even lower in his seat so he can reach out a foot and poke mark. “dude,” he parrots, “i’ve known you for ten years. i know when you’re upset.”

mark tries to shove donghyuck’s foot away from him but then hyuck just uses his other one to continue poking at mark’s abdomen. it’s a lost cause. mark ends up just letting it happen. donghyuck continues to poke at him for a while, but eventually tires of his efforts and ends up just shoving his feet into mark’s side and leaving them there.

“you’re really annoying,” mark says.

“and you’re avoiding the question. what’s wrong? i just want to help, you know.” he looks sincerely concerned, which would be more touching if mark wasn’t still kind of fixated on the mess of crumbs on his t-shirt and if there weren’t dirty feet jammed into his side.

“nothing’s wrong.” on some level, mark knows he could (and maybe should) talk to donghyuck about it but he is also insanely embarrassed by the whole subject and would rather not.

“please tell me. I won’t even make fun of you. please,” donghyuck whines, squirming more in his seat again. he removes his feet and sits up a bit, dropping the almost empty bag of chips to the floor. “talk to me, please.”

“it’s not a big deal,” mark finally concedes.

the younger boy’s eyes light up. “so you admit that there is something wrong.”

mark sighs. “fine. yes. it’s stupid though and i’ll get over it.”

“stop being so difficult and just tell me. you’re going to eventually so why not do it now? come on, please. please?” he drags out the word annoyingly. he knows just how to whine and wheedle to always get what he wants.

it’s mark’s turn to slouch, turning his body so he’s facing donghyuck more but keeping his legs firmly in his own space, because unlike some people he has some respect for boundaries. “fine, fine.” he pauses. “you suck.”

donghyuck just looks at him expectantly, a gleam in his eyes the only sign of how gleeful he is to get his way yet again. it’s a sign of how serious he is taking the situation that he isn’t being more annoying and gloating about it.

mark rubs a hand over his face, thinking about where he should start. there’s no ideal way to start this conversation, so he just jumps into it. “i’ve just been thinking about how i’ve, you know, never been in a relationship or like even on a date. i’ve never even, um, kissed anyone,” he says, his voice getting increasingly quiet as he goes on. “most people have already had all their firsts. it’s weird.”

mark dares to take a peak at donghyuck’s face. there’s a slight smile on his lips but overall his expression is unreadable.

“that’s it?” donghyuck says eventually. he breaks into a wider smile. “i thought it was something serious. like you were failing out of school or did something illegal or something.”

mark glares at him. “you said you wouldn’t make fun of me.”

“i’m not.”

“you are!”

“okay but it’s not that big a deal. if that’s all it is, you just need to go on a date or kiss somebody or whatever it is that you want,” donghyuck says. “i was all ready to help you plan a murder.”

mark hugs his knees closer to his chest, feeling vulnerable and stupid. (he chooses to ignore donghyuck’s comment about murder.) “it is a big deal! it’s not that simple; not for me. if it was, don’t you think that would’ve happened already?” he can’t help the bitterness from creeping into his voice and even more embarrassingly, his eyes begin to prickle like he’s about to cry.

donghyuck sighs. “i don’t know how to help you then. this stuff just kind of happens. and it will for you too. what is it that you want anyway? someone to marry?”

“i don’t know. something. to be normal?” mark asks, speaking more into his knees than to his friend.

donghyuck pokes him with one of his feet again, this time in the shin. he leaves the sole of his foot there, the heat kind of comforting against mark’s leg. “you are normal, dumbass. just give it time. you’re acting like a twelve year old girl.”

“i have given it time, hyuck! a twelve year old girl probably has more experience than i do.”

“okay…” the younger boy says, pulling on his bottom lip as he thinks. “find somebody to make out with then.”

mark resists the urge to roll his eyes. he knows his friend is genuinely trying to be helpful and he can’t blame him for being worthless with his advice. “i can’t, okay, that’s the whole point. that kind of thing just doesn’t happen to me. and anyway i,” he pauses, a blush working its way up his neck, “i don’t know how.” he doesn’t look at donghyuck, not really wanting to know what his reaction to that admission is. mark wants to crawl into a hole and die. maybe that’s dramatic but then again, under the circumstances maybe not.

“what about yukhei? he’ll make out with anything that moves, right? why not just ask him? i’m sure he could give you some pointers. and besides, he’s not terrible at it,” donghyuck says. “i mean, i’ve heard that he’s not a bad kisser. i’ve heard.” he clears his throat.

mark actually looks up at him, mouth gaping slightly. “seriously? dude, you hooked up with yukhei?” he exclaims.

donghyuck scowls. “he’s good looking.”

“he’s an idiot. as his friend, i’m allowed to say that.”

donghyuck crosses his arms, displacing some of the half-eaten crumbs from his shirt. “well it doesn’t matter when you’re kissing him, does it? see this is why you have no experience. you’re an idiot with stupid standards and ridiculous rules. they don’t need to be marriage material for you to kiss them or take them on a few dates.”

“i don’t—i don’t think i need to, ugh,” he splutters. “you’re being annoying and unhelpful and i don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“very mature,” donghyuck responds.

“shut up.”

“make me.”

mark kicks one of his feet out, catching donghyuck in the thigh. “shut up,” he says with a scowl.

“fine but you have to stop being so grumpy. i tried to help you and it’s your fault you’re an idiot and not taking my advice.”

“fine.”

“good.” they sit in silence for a few moments, before donghyuck interrupts it. “do you have any more chips? these are almost done.”

(mark sighs but gets up to get more snacks from his kitchen, muttering about how “half of them are on your shirt anyway” as he leaves.)

when donghyuck finally leaves to go back to his residence suite (he lives in a suite with renjun, jaemin and jeno and doesn’t like to “fourth wheel” as he calls it) mark can’t stop thinking about their conversation. mostly just the suggestion that he attempt to make out with yukhei.

the thought had never seriously crossed his mind before. yeah, yukhei is objectively hot but he’s just a friend and besides, there are only so many times you could witness someone pick their nose in public before that started to impact your image of them.

but mark knows a lot of people have hooked up with yukhei (donghyuck among them apparently; he should question one or both of them about that at some point) and he is seemingly not bad at…all that kind of stuff. and yukhei is so laid back, it really wouldn’t affect their friendship, mark doesn’t think.

he’s seen yukhei with people of course, at parties and stuff, but he’s never paid attention. (that would’ve been weird. obviously.) but it is easy to think about nonetheless. he knows his friend well enough to have an idea of how he’d act (stupidly flirtatious but also sweet) and how he’d feel (tall, broad, strong, warm).

the actual kissing part is more difficult to imagine. mark understands the gist of it, but not having done it before really makes the whole thing hard to properly imagine. he can imagine yukhei getting closer, standing in front of him, his arms encircling him. he can imagine looking up at him, seeing yukhei look down and begin to close the distance between them.

mark lets himself imagine that far and considers the prospect of their lips actually touching but shakes himself out of his daydream at that point. it’s too weird and he really doesn’t want to kiss yukhei. he’d thought maybe he could, especially since donghyuck suggested it but after imagining things that far, he can tell that that isn’t what he wants.

it doesn’t help him figure out what he does want but he knows it certainly isn’t to exchange meaningless kisses with yukhei. he stands by his previous statement: yukhei is an idiot. mark has heard enough of his friend’s hookup stories to know that he doesn’t particularly want to be one of them.

life pretty much continues normally after that, though the first time he sees yukhei after his (admittedly brief and very pg) imaginings, mark blushes as if his friend would somehow read his mind and know what he’d been thinking about. he’s able to push his concerns and insecurities out of his mind for a while, the relief from opening up about them and telling somebody enough to ease them a bit. besides there is school to focus on and student council and balancing his friendships with all of that. he doesn’t have a bunch of free time to mope about his lack of a love life.

it’s at a residence party, with way too many people stuffed into a too-small suite when things become a bit more immediate again.

mark is standing with yukhei, half-listening to the other boy but not bothering to pay too close attention. he’s only talking about what he hates about the university system, which isn’t anything new to mark. besides, when yukhei drinks he starts to use way too many hand gestures and not enough words. mark hasn’t had anything to drink, not really enjoying the feeling he gets and how clingy he ends up being.

there’s music playing far too loudly and people chattering all around them. jeno and renjun are curled up in a chair together, jaemin being god knows where doing god knows what. donghyuck is also somewhere but mark hasn’t seen him since they first arrived. there are a few more people mark recognizes but nobody he’s particularly close to. some people are dancing (or their approximation thereof) but not many. just your typical party.

mark thinks idly that he might leave soon. he’s kind of tired and he hadn’t really felt like going out anyway. he’s got a quiz coming up and a paper due in a week that he hasn’t yet started.

suddenly, donghyuck appears from out of the crowd, clearly drunk and also covered in sweat. knowing him, he had probably actually been dancing. his dyed brown hair is stuck to his forehead and his eyeliner is all smudged. “mark lee!” he exclaims.

“hyuck!” mark replies.

the younger boy reaches out a hand and grips mark’s upper arm, surprisingly firmly. “i’ve decided that i don’t completely hate you,” he says, a serious expression on his face.

mark can’t help but smile at that and the sincerity in which his friend said it. “i’m glad that after ten years of friendship, you’ve decided that.”

“no!” he says somewhat shrilly. he steps in closer, practically gluing himself to mark’s side. mark can feel the heat radiating off of him and he’s pretty sure his arm is actually damp from the sweat. though he’s closer, donghyuck doesn’t speak quieter. “i meant like what we were talking about. i wouldn’t mind kissing you and like… teaching you or whatever.”

mark is acutely aware of yukhei watching the exchange and he wants to sink through the floor, taking donghyuck and his loud mouth with him.

“um…” is mark’s intelligent response.

donghyuck just keeps staring up at him from where he’s pretty much hanging off of his arm.

“i’m gonna…” yukhei starts, gesturing with his hands to the rest of the party, signalling his intention to leave.

mark smiles and nods tersely, trying to push donghyuck away from him but failing because the other boy has him in a strong grip and is like a dead weight attached to him.

yukhei leaves and mark is left to struggle on his own, wondering how he got into this mess.

“so?” donghyuck says, reaching up to poke mark’s cheek with one of his fingers. “i can teach you; it’ll be fun.”

“i’m not making out with you,” mark says harshly, finally managing to put a little bit of space between their bodies, holding donghyuck at arm’s length. “you’re drunk and i don’t—whatever. just no.”

donghyuck seems stunned for a second, frowning slightly. “it’s a great idea,” he says petulantly. “i’m a good kisser and it’ll help you out. to get over your… thing.”

“i don’t want you to kiss me just to—” he cuts himself off abruptly. “you’re drunk.”

hyuck frowns deeper. “i’m not that drunk.”

“drunk enough.” mark scans the crowd, hoping to find somebody that can help him but yukhei is long gone and renjun and jeno are now busy with jaemin sprawled on top of them, somehow all three of them squashed into the one armchair and all of them looking quite happy about it.

(“i’m pretty sure they usually all sleep in the same bed,” donghyuck had said once. “i don’t know how because those beds are tiny.”

“perfect size for you, then,” mark had replied.

donghyuck had smacked him.)

“i’m going to take you home,” mark says. “so you can go to bed,” he adds.

donghyuck scrunches his face up in distaste. “it’s not even that late and i’m not even that drunk,” he insists.

“drunk enough,” mark repeats. “c’mon.” he attempts to start pulling donghyuck through the crowds and home. his friend won’t budge though.

“seriously, mark? you’re doing this right now?”

“dude, i’m just trying to make sure you don’t do anything stupid.” he holds eye contact. he’s not about to back down. finally, donghyuck shrugs and allows mark to drag him through the crowd.

they make it out of the suite at last after bumping into what feels like at least fifty people. the air is cooler in the hallway, though the music is only marginally quieter. donghyuck’s suite is a few floors down and they make it there easily, donghyuck being surprisingly compliant. mark thinks that maybe he isn’t that drunk after all.

“do you have your key?” mark asks when they reach the door.

donghyuck rolls his eyes and pulls his key out of his pocket. “yes.” he doesn’t say anything more but he also doesn’t make a move to unlock the door.

“look,” mark says, rubbing a hand over his face. he’s suddenly very tired and very done and he still needs to make it back to his apartment before he can sleep. “you can go back to the party if you want, okay? i’m not your keeper; you can do whatever you want. i’m going home though.”

“okay.”

mark waits for more but that seems to be it. donghyuck still doesn’t move. neither does mark. donghyuck stares at mark, defiantly holding eye contact.

“okay,” mark echoes. he has the distinct feeling that he’s done something wrong, though he’s not sure exactly what. finally, he turns to walk back down the hallway. when he reaches the door at the other end, he looks back at donghyuck to find that he still hasn’t moved, still staring after him with key in hand.

then mark lets the door swing shut behind him and he’s out into the dark of the night. there are a few drunk students hanging around, but overall it’s pretty quiet.

mark walks home slowly, his thoughts a mess. he doesn’t really know what just happened and he’s too tired to think it through properly. everything’s been kind of a mess lately and he doesn’t know what he’s feeling, though there’s certainly some amount of guilt there. he’s still not exactly sure what for but the more he walks, the more pissed off he feels. if donghyuck had just not… acted like that. what was his problem anyway? mark had done the right thing. right?

mark gets to his apartment soon enough, and collapses into bed soon after that. donghyuck hadn’t done anything particularly heinous but these feelings (whatever they are) are certainly a result of him nonetheless and mark thinks that he is justified in resenting him for it. he’d just wanted a nice night out before a week with lots of schoolwork but now he’s feeling all… whatever. it isn’t fair.

it takes him a surprisingly long time to fall asleep that night.

the next morning mark wakes up to a single text from donghyuck, sent at 2:13 am: _I wandt thst drnk before buti sur eam niw_ accompanied with a worrying amount of peace sign emojis and inexplicably one lone astronaut.

the following week is filled with a lot of school, just as mark had known it would be. he doesn’t actively avoid anybody but still manages to get through the week without seeing much of any of his friends. the class he has with yukhei is awkward in the beginning, with his friend asking him about how the rest of mark’s night had gone but he seems to get the message and starts talking about some guy named jungwoo. everything feels pretty normal after that.

he avoids thinking about His Issues, as he’s taken to referring to it all as (in his head anyway; he definitely does not talk about it to anyone), and instead spends all of his time working or watching mindless videos online. his distraction techniques are surprisingly effective and so hasn’t really taken the time to think about His Issues or That Night when he’s blindsided by donghyuck showing up at his apartment.

mark momentarily thinks about just not answering the door and pretending he’s not home but he banishes that thought quickly. he’s not even entirely sure why he doesn’t want to face his friend. embarrassment? annoyance? guilt? (guilt for what?) anyways, he’s not avoiding donghyuck. he’s really not and to prove it, he opens the door.

“s’up dude?” mark says, trying to act normal even though his heart is beating really fast and his voice is pitched pathetically high.

donghyuck doesn’t wait for an invitation into the apartment but just pushes past him and takes up his usual spot on the couch, shucking off his shoes on the way. mark is left to shut the door and follow.

“i was serious when i said i’d teach you how to kiss,” donghyuck says with no preamble.

“um.”

“i know it bothers you and all. i don’t know…you trust me right?” he says.

mark nods. he’s curled up on his end of the couch and donghyuck’s on his. there’s probably never been this much space between them while they’re sitting on this couch. mark feels like he might spontaneously combust at any moment though so that’s probably a good thing.

“it doesn’t mean anything,” donghyuck continues. “i wouldn’t mind teaching you. that’s all.”

mark nods as if that’s all he’s capable of doing. he thinks of what he’d almost said back at the party: i don’t want you to kiss me just to help me. now, he finishes the thought: _i’d want it to mean something._ if he wanted it, of course. which.

“you’re going to have to say something at some point. i can’t read your mind.”

“right.” mark clears his throat. it’s suddenly gone very dry. “right. i guess we could, um. do that.”

it’s donghyuck’s turn to nod.

“now?” mark asks. this whole experience is surreal and has been ever since he opened his stupid mouth and admitted that there was something wrong.

“i guess so.”

“okay. cool.”

neither of them move.

“alright well if we’re going to do this, you can’t kiss people from the other end of a couch. first lesson,” donghyuck says finally, seemingly returning to himself, the ghost of a teasing smile on his lips.

mark scoots himself closer automatically. he’s working on autopilot, not capable of logical thought now and possibly not ever again. this is happening and he’s just going to go with it and worry about it later. the idea of kissing yukhei had felt weird and wrong but this? this he can imagine. (not that he has of course. but what little part of his brain that is actually functioning right now is picturing it, anticipating it. it doesn’t feel weird. or wrong. just absolutely terrifying.)

knees touching, facing each other on the couch, mark waits. all of his attention is on donghyuck and donghyuck is focused on him. donghyuck bites his lip and mark can’t help but stare at the movement.

“you should just…know what to do really. once you’re doing it. i don’t know, it just kind of happens. so just follow my lead. okay?” donghyuck says finally.

mark nods slightly. his mind has gone completely blank. he’s kind of staring but hyuck is staring back and the eye contact should be weird but it isn’t.

then donghyuck is reaching out a hand, placing it on the back of mark’s neck. he threads his fingers through mark’s hair. his palm is kind of sweaty but mark doesn’t really have it in him to care. (mark’s more concerned with trying to breathe.)

hyuck leans in, his face coming closer and closer. mark panics and closes the distance.

“ow!” donghyuck exclaims, recoiling and clutching his nose.

“oh my god i’m sorry! i panicked!” mark says, holding his own nose.

“obviously.”

the pain from the collision of their noses ebbs away quickly but it certainly doesn’t make mark enthusiastic to try again. mark has no idea what donghyuck is thinking. the panic is rising and he has to resist the urge to run out of his own apartment. “i’m sorry, this was a mistake. you should go. this is stupid. i’m so sorry. oh god,” mark rambles, unable to make himself stop. he turns his face away from hyuck, speaking into his hands instead.

he feels a hand on his arm. “it’s okay. accidents happen. just…go slow and try not to panic. would you rather get all the embarrassing stuff done with me or with someone you’re actually trying to impress?”

mark takes a peak at his friend. “i’m sorry,” he says again. “i feel so stupid.”

“it’s okay.” donghyuck pats mark’s arm. “my first kiss was pretty terrible, you know. i bit his tongue.”

mark can’t help but smile, taking his hands away from his face. “you what?”

“i bit his tongue,” donghyuck says, nodding. “i didn’t expect there to be tongue involved. and i bit him.”

“who was your first kiss anyway?”

“nobody important. we were just fooling around.”

“oh.” mark isn’t sure what he wanted to hear but he still feels disappointed by the answer. it isn’t really any of his business. (but who was his first kiss? and why didn’t he just answer the question?)

“so,” donghyuck says after a pause. “you good to try again? slower this time.” there’s a slight smile on his face and he seems amused. not upset or annoyed or anything.

mark swallows. “i guess.” he really shouldn’t say no. this is a good opportunity and he doesn’t want to just throw it away because he’s scared or embarrassed (even if he’s plenty of both). “yeah i am.”

“good. no panicking.” donghyuck smirks. “and no biting either.”

mark blushes. “is there, um, is there going to be tongue involved?” he asks quietly.

hyuck raises his eyebrows. “do you want there to be?” he asks teasingly.

mark’s eyes widen. “i don’t—i didn’t mean—i just want to be prepared.”

“oh mark, you’re cute.” he pokes mark in the cheek. “let’s just start simple. why don’t you just stay still and i’ll kiss you. you can just keep your eyes closed and everything.”

mark nods. “okay.”

“okay?”

“yeah, okay. i’m good.”

“i’m glad. i’m going to kiss you now.” he reaches out and takes mark’s hands in his own before leaning impossibly slowly in.

mark can’t watch. the anticipation is too much for his nerves. he closes his eyes and waits, focusing on his breathing. in…and out. in…and out. in… and _oh._

his first kiss is just the barest of pressure, feather soft. it lasts for only a couple of seconds, just long enough for him to think this is happening before donghyuck is moving away again. mark opens his eyes slowly to see donghyuck staring back at him, the smallest smile on his face. he’s still close, so close that mark can feel his breath on his face.

“nothing to be afraid of.” donghyuck is studying his face, hands still clasping mark’s own. “i’m going to kiss you again.”

mark nods.

and he does. mark can feel the couch shift under him as the other boy shifts his weight to be closer. he releases mark’s hands, only to bring them around mark’s neck. mark has never felt so small. so vulnerable.

there’s more pressure this time. donghyuck’s closer, balanced on his knees. mark has to tilt his head just slightly up. (his hands, his hands, what does he do with his hands?)

then donghyuck is pulling slightly away again. still sharing in mark’s space. still close enough to smell (something flowery, mark isn’t sure what exactly). he has one of his thumbs pressed into the base of mark’s neck. “no biting,” he breathes, sounding already slightly out of breath.

he moves back in again, lips connecting just as softly, just as delicately. his lips part and mark feels one small swipe of donghyuck’s tongue.

donghyuck shifts his body even closer. mark moves his hands up to the other boy’s waist to steady him. it’s automatic. intuitive. on some level it all kind of is.

there’s another lick at mark’s mouth and he parts his lips. he’s willing to allow donghyuck to do whatever he wants. he trusts him.

it’s weird having a tongue in his mouth that isn’t his. (but good. definitely good. it feels good. mark feels good.) mark barely begins to get used to the sensations when donghyuck is pulling slightly away again.

“it’s good, it’s good, i swear it’s good.” mark feels dazed and he doesn’t really know what he’s saying or what he’s feeling only that he feels good and…light. like he wants nothing more than to just continue doing this, for as long as donghyuck wants to.

it’s mark that closes the distance this time. there’s a slight nip of teeth at his bottom lip and mark inhales sharply, surprised.

there’s more pressure this time, more urgency. all mark can taste is donghyuck, all he can smell, all that he can feel.

but then it’s all gone and donghyuck is sitting back in his spot, the only point of contact between them being their knees. donghyuck is flushed and won’t meet mark’s eyes.

even though he’s one of the people mark knows best, his expression is completely unreadable and mark has no idea what he’s thinking. he has no idea what he wants.

as if reading mark’s mind, donghyuck speaks: “i don’t want anything to change. i don’t want anything to be awkward or anything. they’re just kisses; they don’t mean anything. i should go.” it sounds kind of like he’s trying to convince himself, not mark. he nods. “i need to go.”

and then he’s up, slipping into his shoes and to the door as quickly as he had come in earlier. with his hand on the doorknob, he turns back to look at mark who still hasn’t moved at all. donghyuck smiles. “bye.”

and then he’s gone.

he’s gone for days, long enough for mark to know that the younger boy is purposefully doing it. he doesn’t want to see him. (if he doesn’t want things to change, then why isn’t he being his usual obnoxious self, constantly around even when mark doesn’t want him to be?)

the only communication he gets from donghyuck is a text: _you’re fine at kissing. you don’t have to be nervous about it. now you can be ready for whenever someone gets their head out of their ass and realizes how great you are. :)_ mark doesn’t respond.

things are weird. mark just wants donghyuck back. he’s not sure when he could’ve made a different choice to make things feel less stilted and strange between them. he doesn’t regret what they did though. (of course he doesn’t.) mark decides to just give it time.

the weekend before midterms start there’s a huge party at the house of a bunch of upper year students. yukhei insists that mark go and invites him over to drink beforehand. mark agrees readily. he’s excited to have a good time and isn’t necessarily planning on getting completely wasted but also isn’t opposed to the idea. life has been stressful lately and he’s still not sure how he’s supposed to write two midterms, a quiz and a paper in the next week. (especially when all of his thoughts seem to centre around donghyuck.)

mark drinks two ciders at yukhei’s and goes to the party feeling laidback and happy, which is something he can’t say he’s felt for a long time. (stupid insecurities and emotions and kissing and stupid donghyuck too.)

time passes in a blur of people and small talk and more drinks. things become even more blurry after yukhei convinces him to do shots. mark gags on the tequila and almost spits it out all over himself but manages to choke it down. yukhei just laughs at him while he coughs. he loses track of his friend after that and wanders into the backyard.

there are a bunch of upperclassmen around a table on the back patio, just chatting quietly and playing cards. mark recognizes one of them as jaehyun, who he knows from intramural basketball. he doesn’t know him well enough to interrupt though and besides, he doesn’t really want to try to make conversation with someone he barely knows right now.

he’s not entirely sure what he wants so he drifts back into the house where the music is louder and the people are more numerous and everything is a bit too much. (if he is honest with himself, he would have to admit that there’s only one thing he wants to do and that is see one particular person but he isn’t honest with himself, so he just ends up drifting and feeling dissatisfied.)

he sees yukhei with a guy who he assumes is the jungwoo that he’s been hearing so much about. mark doesn’t interrupt, knowing that yukhei probably wouldn’t appreciate it, even though all mark wants now is to find someone he knows to hang out with. he’s feeling all fuzzy and warm and soft inside.

through the crowds, he catches a glimpse of donghyuck. he hadn’t realized that the younger boy was coming tonight but he recognizes him easily; he would recognize him anywhere. mark makes a beeline for him, throwing his arms around the younger boy once he arrives. he squeezes him tightly.

“hyuckie, you’re my favourite,” he says into his ear. “my absolute favourite. you need to know that. you are the best.” he finally releases him from the hug but continues to cling to his side. mark rests his head on donghyuck’s. “you’re my favourite.”

“hello to you too,” the younger boy says, amused. “how much have you had to drink?”

“a lot,” mark mumbles, closing his eyes. “you’re soft; can i stay here?”

donghyuck pats him on the hip. “sure, sure. why would i need to move anyway?” donghyuck seems to be acting normal, or as normal as he ever does. there’s no sign of the awkwardness that has been following them around since they kissed.

“i’m sorry things have been weird. i want things to be normal again,” mark says. he’s just drunk enough to be able to say what’s on his mind without feeling embarrassed. he could never manage to get his feelings out sober and it’s nice to have an excuse to just let it all out.

“so do i,” donghyuck says quietly. he’s running a hand through mark’s hair. it feels nice.

“i’m glad.” mark hums in contentment. “i was kind of scared that i’d fucked everything up.” he hadn’t even admitted such a thing to himself, at least not in as many words.

“you could never” is the response.

“i liked kissing you,” mark says, finally disentangling himself. he also has never allowed himself to think about that. but it’s true. it had felt right and easy. he puts his hands on either side of donghyuck’s face, squishing his cheeks together. “you’re cute.”

donghyuck flushes at the words but can’t help his smile when mark releases him. “you’re not half bad, mark lee.”

mark blurts out what’s been on his mind for days: “can i kiss you, hyuckie?” he doesn’t care about the consequences, not now.

his friend looks shocked for a second but then smiles and nods like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

mark smiles back and reaches out a hand to hold on to donghyuck’s hip. he is just the right type of drunk for this. he never would have dared sober but he also can admit now that he would have wanted to either way, no matter how much he would try to convince himself that he didn’t. he doesn’t have to worry about being a bad kisser or anything. it’s going to be sloppy; of course it is. but it’s going to be fun and it is exactly what he wants.

they might be in the middle of a crowded house but they might as well be the only people in the world.

the collide together quickly (sloppily), a mess of hands in hair and on hips and because mark is feeling particularly brave (drunk), under shirts. donghyuck tastes like strawberries and feels so warm and nice.

they don’t let go for what feels like forever, mark chasing the other’s lips when he tries to withdraw to catch his breath. their bodies are flush together and they pause long enough to gasp into each other’s mouths before donghyuck closes the distance again.

he has his hand on the back of mark’s head, holding him in place so that he can explore his mouth with his tongue. mark tastes like tequila but even so, donghyuck can’t seem to get enough. he’s so glad he made the decision to come to this party, even if it’s probably transparently obvious that he only did so to seek out his friend.

they’re still making out minutes later when a loud voice interrupts them. “ah, you two?” it’s yukhei, sounding entirely too gleeful. he claps his hands a couple times, laughing.

mark and donghyuck spring apart as soon as they realize what’s happening. mark was already flushed but at yukhei’s appearance, manages to get even more red.

“why didn’t you tell me?” yukhei continues, apparently not noticing the less than warm welcome he is receiving. he claps mark on the shoulder. “so cute, you two.” he covers his heart with his hands. he looks so happy about the whole situation and donghyuck can’t help but smile a bit at the reaction. (mark kind of wants to disappear though.)

“there’s nothing to tell,” donghyuck replies, even though yukhei doesn’t really seem to require a response. he just continues to beam, looking between the two of them with far too much joy.

mark is too drunk for this. he tugs on the hem of donghyuck’s shirt. “we should go,” he says, opting to ignore yukhei’s presence.

donghyuck nods and makes eye contact with yukhei. it takes a few seconds for him to get it but when he does, yukhei just tells them to “have fun and be safe” before disappearing back into the crowd, not without pointing at the two of them and laughing a little bit more.

“are you sure you want to go?” donghyuck asks mark, who by this point is legitimately hanging off of him because he needs to in order to stay standing and not just out of affection.

mark nods, burying his face in donghyuck’s neck. “’m tired.”

“i’ll take you home.”

mark hums his assent. he pays very little attention to where donghyuck leads him, trusting in the other boy’s judgement. he’s too tired to care at this point. they make it back to mark’s apartment somehow. mark’s practically asleep standing up and donghyuck has to open the door himself.

mark wakes up in the morning remembering not much of anything from when he arrives home onward. he’s on his couch in his clothes from last night. there’s a glass of water on the side table, along with his phone, his wallet and his keys.

he drinks the water as quickly as he can, what with the nausea threatening to make him throw it back up immediately. the pain in his head is enough to make him focus on regretting how much he had to drink and doesn’t allow for many other regrets, at least not yet. maybe later when he feels a little less like death, he’ll regret other things. for now though, he doesn’t feel too bad.

(even when he considers that yukhei will probably be insufferable from now on, speaking in innuendo and waggling his eyebrows suggestively.)

eventually, mark feels like he won’t actually fall over and die and he checks his phone. he ignores the messages from yukhei, replies to a snap from jeno in order to keep their streak, then checks his messages with donghyuck.

_make sure you drink lots of water!! let me know if you want to meet up for lunch or something_

then almost ten minutes after the first message: _last night was fun_

it’s already the early afternoon, but mark texts back to ask where they should meet. he replays the events of the previous night, the feeling of donghyuck’s mouth on his surprisingly vivid in his memories. he doesn’t know what it all means but he’s excited to find out.

but then he doesn’t find out. when they meet for their meal, everything feels so normal and the conversation flows the way it always has, with gentle and not-so-gentle teasing. donghyuck doesn’t mention last night and neither does mark. he’s taking his cues from his friend and he doesn’t want to risk messing things up again. things are good just the way they are. their relationship feels just the way it always has been; maybe this is just another addition to the list of things they do together. it doesn’t have to mean anything and it doesn’t.

(if he still thinks about it a lot, then that’s mark’s business.)

they keep going like that, carefully not addressing the two times they’ve now made out. they’re still best friends and still just as tactile as they’d ever been but they don’t cross the line into more-than-friends territory.

at least not until one night when donghyuck is over to watch a movie. he’s been sent away from his suite as it’s date night for jeno, jaemin and renjun and they were planning to be sappy and cook together (beyond that donghyuck hadn’t wanted to know and therefore hadn’t asked).

it’s kind of annoying but donghyuck is fairly frequently sent away from where he lives (or just chooses to leave of his own free will) to give his friends some privacy. which usually means forcing himself on mark and taking advantage of his hospitality. whoever let jeno, jaemin and renjun live together in residence was stupid and donghyuck was probably even more so for willingly signing up to live with his friends. he should’ve known how things were going to be from the beginning. at the time, it had just seemed like a great idea to not have to room with strangers.

the night progresses as such a night typically does, with food delivered and arguing over what to watch before a compromise is made. then they sit where they usually sit, on either end of the couch and they watch a dumb movie that neither of them particularly want to watch but neither of them would absolutely hate to watch.

and as is typical, the space between them lessens as time goes on, as they shift to get comfortable, to get closer, to touch. first, they stretch out their legs, intertwining between them. then donghyuck complains about not being able to see without holding his head at an angle and he shifts closer so he isn’t on his end anymore. but then there’s no arm rest to lean against, so he ends up closer and closer to mark, trying to find a way to sit to be comfortable.

(or maybe he just wants to lean into mark’s warmth and be enveloped by him.)

the movie goes on and there’s a dumb plot twist that donghyuck sees coming but that mark seems enraptured by, if the way he’s staring at the screen is anything to go by. he doesn’t notice the way donghyuck spends more time sneaking glances at him that watching the screen. mark gasps as it is revealed that the main protagonist is really the villain and donghyuck is filled with so much fondness, even if that plot twist is the dumbest thing he’s ever seen and mark’s probably kind of dumb for liking it.

the screen fades to black and the credits begin to play and for the first time since about halfway through the film, mark shifts and turns his attention to donghyuck. “that was a lot better than i thought it was going to be. that ending…so cool,” he says smiling.

donghyuck nods, though he has no idea what the ending was because he hadn’t really been paying attention since the first ridiculous action sequence where people should have died but didn’t. “yeah.”

mark squeezes an arm around his shoulders. “you have no idea what happened do you?”

“yeah.”

mark rolls his eyes and puts on a show of complaining but the smile never leaves his face.

without thinking, donghyuck leans forward and kisses mark softly. at first mark doesn’t really respond and donghyuck is about to pull away when he brings a hand up to his face and holds him in place. it’s a soft and lazy kiss, ending almost before it begins. they smile at each other, unable to contain it. donghyuck has never felt so safe and satisfied. “you’re an idiot, mark lee.”

they spend the rest of the evening just sitting on their phones in comfortable silence, until donghyuck stretches, hitting mark in the back of the head as he does so. “well, time for bed,” he says. then he lays back and stretches out, refusing to move and leaving mark to squirm out from under his legs to get away.

(donghyuck didn’t really intend to fall asleep right then and there, but he wakes up in the morning with a terrible taste in his mouth and in the same position he fell asleep in. the only difference is the blanket spread out over him.)

it’s kind of a thing after that, the kissing. it is like a secret that only they are in on (even though yukhei knows). it’s all unspoken. everything is the same, except sometimes when they are alone… stuff happens.

donghyuck has always been physically affectionate but where mark would always protest and make a show of trying to escape, now he just lets the younger kiss him on the cheek if he’d like. they exchange small kisses to say hello and goodbye, without even really thinking about it. they kiss in a movie theatre once, and when donghyuck is over to study, and when they go out for breakfast. it becomes natural, though still not natural enough that they do it in front of their friends. they’re still aware that it’s kind of weird but they go with it anyway. both of them enjoy it too much to stop or risk making things strange by bringing it up.

but just because they don’t talk about it doesn’t mean that mark doesn’t think about it. and think about it he does. overthinks it even. he’s not a complete idiot and knows full well that friends just don’t do things like what they do. but at the same time, he can’t really say that what he feels is romantic. he feels something that doesn’t feel too different from his other friends, just… more.

the confusion about his feelings and what he wants is just another thing for him to fixate on, along with the still-present issues related to the fact that he still can’t really seem to convince himself that anybody could ever want to date him. sure, he’s now definitely been kissed but just by one person, just by donghyuck. and he hasn’t shown any sign of it meaning anything at all and besides, mark doesn’t know if he wants it to mean anything. combining all of this mess with the impending end of the semester is enough to make him as stressed as he has ever been.

couldn’t his life just be easy? for once?

on the last day of classes for the semester, mark goes out for coffee and dessert with donghyuck, renjun, jeno and jaemin to celebrate. they still have final exams, which are probably the worst part but there’s still a few days until they begin, so they can afford to spend an afternoon feeling as light-hearted as they’d like.

mark hasn’t felt so carefree in a long time. it feels just like old times, like they’re still in high school and the real world hasn’t gotten its claws into any of them yet and they still think that everything is just going to work out for them and be easy.

they’ve been in the coffee shop for a half an hour already, laughing and teasing and generally being the teenage boys that they are. there’s a lull in the conversation and donghyuck gets up and goes to the washroom. renjun and jeno get up not long after to go look at the display case and get more dessert, leaving jaemin and mark alone at their table.

mark watches jaemin watch jeno and renjun. “how did you know?” mark blurts out before he can think better of it.

jaemin drags his attention away from his boyfriends. “what?”

mark takes a deep breath, but continues the conversation. he could back down and make an excuse, but he’s had enough of avoiding his issues. “how did you know that you liked them? that you wanted to date them?”

jaemin studies his face, expression unreadable, before breaking into an easy grin. “i just knew.”

mark rolls his eyes, fiddling with his nearly empty mug. “okay but if you had to actually answer.”

jaemin turns his attention back to his two boyfriends, watching as they study the dessert options as if it’s a very important matter and they need to make the absolute best choice. “i’d say that i just kind of knew,” he repeats. “but also that it felt like no matter how much time i spent with them it wasn’t enough. i wanted what was best for them and i was constantly thinking about what i could do to make them smile. and i thought that they were both so handsome and cute and i thought about how i always laugh when i’m with them. also, i wanted to kiss them all the time. i mean, i still think these things but that’s what i was thinking about at the time. i knew. you know?”

mark nods slowly, taking it all in. he doesn’t usually invite his friends to be so sappy but for once, he’s happy that he asked. they’re just so happy and it’s so nice to see that. to hear it in detail. it’s not just the words jaemin says but the way he says them and the overwhelmingly fond look on his face and the smile he can’t get rid of. “i guess i do know. i’m happy for you.”

“thanks. i am really happy, mark,” jaemin says sincerely. he’s looking at mark very intensely, as if there’s some other message there that mark’s missing.

before mark can ask, donghyuck is back, collapsing into his seat and already talking, snarking that he can already tell that jaemin was talking about renjun and jeno, because of the lovestruck look on his face.

“you’re just jealous, hyuck. how could you and mark ever?” jaemin shoots back.

mark expects donghyuck to have a retort at the ready, because he always does but apparently not this time. donghyuck just focuses on finishing the last few bites of his cake. the tips of his ears are turning red.

that’s when mark knows.

somehow, mark gets through the rest of the afternoon without acting too weird and spacing out too badly. his thoughts are running away from him.

he certainly likes donghyuck. but relationships at this age are so complicated and they never really work out, do they? he doesn’t want to lose him. he’s his best friend. he never wants to lose him. and wouldn’t dating make things so much more complicated? everything would be so much more.

isn’t it better to have him forever as a friend than to fall even more in love with him and lose him? (in love? since when is he in love? isn’t that a bit extreme?) if he still feels the same in a few years, maybe then he’d talk to donghyuck about it. isn’t that a reasonable plan? logical?

and besides, all mark knows is that hyuck likes to kiss him. he has no idea if the other boy feels the same things he does. if he wants to date him. (if he is in love with him too.) he should just keep quiet and take what he can get.

maybe someday. (maybe someday what? they can get married and live happily ever after? why is he thinking so long term? he’s being ridiculous. why is he thinking in forevers?)

that night, mark can’t sleep. every time he thinks that he’s made a decision, he overthinks it and changes his mind. he has no idea what to do. what he wants to do, what he should do, what’s fair to donghyuck.

he’s pulled out of the cycle of his thoughts by a knock on his door. at quarter after one in the morning. hoping it’s not some random person, he glances through the peephole. it’s donghyuck. donghyuck in a hoodie, fiddling nervously with the too-long sleeves as he waits.

mark opens the door.

donghyuck jumps, sending a nervous look at mark. “sorry. i was just out for a walk.”

mark nods dumbly, stepping back from the door to allow the younger boy inside.

“i probably shouldn’t bother you,” donghyuck continues, making a beeline for the couch as always. “i’ve just been thinking.”

“that must be new for you,” mark murmurs, no real bite in his tone, knowing full well that it’s a weak retort. he sits on his end of the couch.

“i’m just going to get this over with.” he isn’t meeting mark’s eyes. his nervousness is rubbing off on mark, who is beginning to fully panic.

“okay…” mark says.

“i’m just going to say it. mark,” he says, finally looking up and at the person he’s speaking to. seeing mark though seems to make him pause. he stares

mark just waits. for donghyuck, he could wait forever.

“mark, i’m kind of in love with you,” donghyuck blurts out, almost too quickly for mark to understand. then he looks away again, folding his hands into his sleeves and curling up into a protective ball.

mark just stares. he can’t have heard that right. “you what?”

“i…i like you. a lot.” he sounds more hesitant than mark can ever recall him being.

“really?”

donghyuck risks a single glance at mark, before ducking his face down again. “really, you idiot.”

“but… why didn’t you say anything?” mark asks, unaware of the hypocrisy. all he can think is _he likes me he likes me he likes me._

donghyuck shrugs and groans. “because,” he says, like that answers the question.

before mark is even aware of deciding to move, he’s beside donghyuck, reaching out a hand to the other boy’s chin. he tugs lightly and donghyuck acquiesces, turning to look at mark. his eyes are wide. fearful.

it hasn’t sunk in yet. mark will probably freak out later but for now, he’s strangely calm. “i like you too.”

“really?”

“really, you idiot.”

then mark’s leaning in, hand still on donghyuck’s chin. and then they’re kissing.

(when they announce to their friends that they’re dating now, jeno just smiles broadly and says “finally!”

at the looks on their faces, jaemin rolls his eyes. “come on, it was only a matter of time. kind of surprised it took you guys this long, honestly.”

renjun almost throttles his boyfriends but once they’ve all settled down again, he smiles a little slyly. “you’d think that we would’ve taken longer to sort out our feelings. three is more confusing than two.”

“dumbasses,” jeno adds.

“we love you guys though. glad you finally worked it out.” jaemin has the last word. after his pronouncement, the conversation moves to different topics.

mark, though doesn’t find it that easy to just move on, focused instead on the idea of how it really has been a long time coming, hasn’t it? maybe he did have a great love story.)


End file.
